Bittersweet Fairytale

"But I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change my mold" - The Verve

Once upon a time there was an average girl, living an average life, trying to be a different person for all those that crossed her path. In the beginning, it worked, she was able to subtly manipulate people into believing she was a specific kind of person so they would accept her instead of rejecting her. As time went on and the days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years, she discovered she'd lost her true identity somewhere among the falsehood that had been her life. Afraid, and alone, she battled to come to terms with the inner turmoil that threatened to erupt and tear apart the life she had built.

One fine morning she awoke with a heavy heart and realized a change was to come. The girl packed her bags and booked a flight, an escape from this terrible reality. She traveled to a place where she was finally able to find herself, but with every fairy tale comes the trial and tribulation that she was to overcome. Along her travels she met a "knight" in shining armor. Or so she thought. Months were spent questioning herself, wondering whether she was good enough, or even worth loving truly. She cried herself to sleep, until one night she decided to compartmentalize her life, to live completely void of emotion and pain. The plan was set into motion the very next day and so she lived happily for a few more months, never allowing emotion to take control of her life, except for the acts that required a piece of her.

After coming to terms with the fact that this man would never love her, with the fact that perhaps love was just a fairy tale, a myth, a fallacy, she met a writer. A young, dark man, with inner turmoil, just like her. They spoke everyday, and she fell in love, as did he. So alike the two were, however she struggled to open up to him. She'd been so lost for so long without the chance of being emotional or allowing people to see her true form, afraid they'd reject her, as she'd been rejected most of her life, that she found solace and escape elsewhere, not realizing that the truth would have set her free.

She'd been a million different people from one day to the next to help people in need, completely setting aside her own inner turmoil, that ironically it would be herself that would destroy her chance of true love.
She'd finally found herself in this man, her soul mate, soul twin, her lifeline and yet once again the questioning starts. Is she worth the trouble? Is she worth this kind of love? Is she worth the pain endured from such betrayal? Is she worth anything at all?

Doubting her self worth became another obstacle to overcome. But she knew she would be strong, she knew that although she had her own struggles to overcome and endure, she'd do so with a smile on her face, still making a difference and impacting the lives of those who needed her.
Alas, in the dark corners of her mind she still longed to be accepted for all her faults, all her imperfections, and her mistakes. She longed to be taken care of for a change, to have someone love her truly and wholly, no matter the circumstance.

And so one night, she knelt down before God and prayed for guidance. She prayed for forgiveness, for cleansing, for solace. She prayed for love and friendship and complete acceptance. For the strength to be who she was meant to be.

With tears in her eyes, she lay down to sleep and dreamed of an other worldly place. Of her knight, her dark, handsome writer. She dreamed of forgiveness, of the bond between them, of love and light and darkness simultaneously.

She is yet to wake up....................

Selfish in Practice, though not in Principle

"I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle" - Jane Austen


I read something today which resonated within me. I related completely and wholly to the words I had read. Powerful and painful they were, playing around in my mind, as children would do in a playground. Bouncing from swing to see-saw to merry-go-round, tiring me out, and leading me to second guess myself - not necessarily a bad thing though. 

We as human beings on this vast plane, living day to day in this universe, struggle with emotion, we struggle with selfishness. Our struggle today is the recognition of the depth of our emotion and the "Great Wall" we construct around ourselves. Selfishness being one of the main factors contributing towards the bricks cemented on a daily basis. People enter our lives for a reason, however is that reason solely to assist in the constant construction of the wall or rather the renovation of our lives, the deconstruction of the walls that have been built up over years of being disappointed and let down by people closest to us. Is that then why we close ourselves off? Why we have become unemotional, yet deeply emotional beings? Why the world around us seems to be falling? Because we cannot seem to demolish the wall, feel empathy and sympathy to the state of the world and it's crumblings?

The question is.... Do we want to feel? Or would we rather continue on a journey of inner emotion, never revealing the inner turmoil bashing and banging against the "Great wall", dying to be released and heard.

Emancipation from pain would be my saving grace, but then would I prefer to feel pain, rather than nothing at all? Would I prefer to be empty, void of emotional substance, than feel pain from those who I allowed entrance into my "Great Wall"? I often feel detached, unemotional - selfish to those around me, because I cannot give them the emotional support they require. It's a flaw, a fault of mine, but I cannot seem to catch wind of endeavoring to slowly start the renovation of my life, my "Great Wall."

I am selfish in practice, but not in principle. I was brought up with morals, taught right from wrong, learned about selflessness, and supporting others in their endeavors. However, the world around me seemed to strive on selfishness and so, unwillingly, I gave into the emotion - conformed to society around me. By no means was it intentional, however, realization has dawned, and a revelation came about, perhaps I am just a selfish being in practice, even though my principles are selfless. 

The revelation is poignant. I am jaded by whether or not to demolish the "Great Wall" and place unyielding faith in my fellow beings. But perhaps it is time to feel afresh. Perchance the time is now. The deconstruction of the "Great Wall" may take time, and that's okay. Ultimately we will take it step-for-step, as long as we continually strive to reveal one emotion after another. Perhaps then, selfishness will dissipate and selflessness will reveal itself, making home in all our hearts.

A Suitcase of Memories

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle

Friends-Sisters-Soul Mates

My dearest friend

I long contemplated what it was that I wanted to express to you and the perfect words to explain the depth of the gratitude I feel for you. I was in two minds about whether or not I should publish such a personal letter, but I was impetuously reminded last night that the time we have on this planet is sadly limited, and I knew then that I would certainly regret not publicizing the depth of a friendship you and I share and how you saved me - and would undoubtedly save others on your awe-inspiring journey.

I carry always, a suitcase packed with memories, a guitar on my back and a photo in the pocket of my heart. Memories of junctures I hold dear to my soul. A guitar to strum the melody of life. A photo - a frozen moment of a spectacular woman that shaped my life, and that constantly inspires me to be better.

Although we have certainly had our differences, no amount of time, distance or difference has driven a wedge between our ever entwined souls. My past, my present and my future, have, are and will be made richer because of your astonishing presence.

When my time of need arises, I have you to thank for easing my soul. You shine light on a dark crevice in my mind. My demons are laid to rest because your presence is so vehement. I live each day knowing that I will walk an inspiring, ever-changing journey with you by my side.

In life it is so very rare to find a connection like the bond you and I share. Overcoming trials and tribulations, basquing in complete and utter bliss, meeting different people, learning about new cultures, healing broken hearts, entertainment during those deathly times of boredom - which I must add are few and far between.  You have tattooed my life and it is this message I'd like to convey to you.

In art, as in life, we begin with a blank canvas. A vast array of options and materials lie before us and it is our choice as to which method of creative ardor we choose to move forward with. When we begin our vigorous life journey, we already have a set plan in mind. A set artistic way we've chosen to embrace and travel along with. However, it is this norm in which we find our struggle, our artistic block. Not realizing that we can change our minds, and change them again, we find ourselves stuck and praying to the divine deity to give us some inkling as to which direction we should go fourth with.

The choice has been ours all along. Our sight was blinded by unnecessary caution, caution that should ultimately be thrown to the wind. Our moral compasses will surely guide us on the right path and our inner creative fortitude will unleash the splendor of our unpredictable lives. Once we realize this, our sight, our minds, and our souls will know a true freedom. A freedom of fear of the unknown. A freedom of fear from judgement. A freedom of fear from time.

I ask of you, my dear friend, do something that brings joy to your life. Find what makes you blissfully happy, find that which gives you butterflies in your bum, find your passion for life and do everything in your power to embrace it and indulge in it. Fuck the rest! Life is too short to second guess yourself, as you and I very well know. Life is too short to spend our days sleeping it away. Our very own Bucket List awaits us. What are we waiting for? Better days? The better days are here and now. There is no better time than the present.

Pursue your happyness!

I'll be there every step of the way. I'll catch you when you fall. I'll wipe away your tears. I'll celebrate in your achievements. I'll basque in your love found. I'll be standing beside you at the alter. I'll be in the delivery room, holding your hand. I'll forever linger in your soul as you do in mine. And even in the next life, I shall paint canvases of memories I hold close to my soul. I could leave this world knowing with every fiber of my being that I had the most epic friend, sister and soul mate in you.

So I thank you from the depths of my soul. When you first allowed me a piece of your soul you saved me. We had no idea what would become a friendship that had started out so rocky, but we certainly have a suitcase stacked with memories - good and bad. Lyrics to melodies of our different yet similar lives. And photos of junctures frozen in time for a lifetime of remembrance.

Chok dee ka my friend, my sister, my soul mate. Here's to another sixteen years of firsts, lasts, heartbreak, arguing, crying, adventure and love!

BUCKET LIST
1. Travel the World
2. Write a novel
3. Ride an Elephant
4. Be blessed by a Monk
5. Skinny dip beneath the moon
6. Get a tattoo
7. Learn a new language
8. Help change lives
9. Let off lanterns
10. Sleep under the stars

And these are but a few of our 365..
I will be there every step of the way my dearest friend.

Let the journey continue!

If Only for a Juncture

If only for a juncture, I’d give my last beat to gaze into your eyes

Feel your breath upon my skin

If only for a juncture, I’d elude all time to hear your voice

To melt under your caress

Your beauty is unrivaled, your soul is resplendent

Your words are my undoing

All that I am, is yours irrevocably 

Should I not see the day that we were to cross paths

I could let go peacefully, knowing my soul found its counterpart in yours

That I had moments of truth

Moments of knowing that you had all of me and I had all of you

I long to marvel at your smile

To breathe the same air as you

Though I know tonight we gaze upon the same moon

And as I close my eyes to basque in this thought, your face appears as a portrait

The light casting shadows, causing contours of sublime tomes which are etched into your being

To behold such a statuesque illusion is unequivocally tedious, knowing I cannot place my hand upon its splendor

I clutch my heart in agony

My lips parting slightly

Whispering to the divine deity, I heed as my words flutter through the cosmos

Letting go of all my inhibitions in hopes they’ll lead me to you

My eloquent knight, you are riveting

The divinity I behold when I gaze upon a frozen moment is ardent

But the impetuous realization that we are worlds apart is rueful

Though, never will I relinquish hope that one day soon you’ll stand before me

I implore you dear Knight, do not dwindle off course

For our two halves were meant to be whole

And as the Phoenix rises from the ashes

So shall our ever-waiting love, once lost to an ever-changing realm

Travelling lifetimes to once

again beat as one jubilant entity

If only for a juncture, I’d stand before you and bare my soul

Naked to the world, but home in you

If only for a juncture, I’d paint a thousand portraits of you

Sitting before me, eyes smiling, no dismay, no qualm

Because all that has occurred has lead us to this point

A realization

A sudden dawning

A moment of truth

For you, my soul, my heart, my love

I am everything and nothing simultaneously

For a love like ours does not want for anything

It is not jealous, nor is it boastful

Our adoration exudes humility and grace

A truly handsome fortitude 

Between two strangers that were chaperoned by a divine intervention of our souls 

If only for a juncture, I would love you for a lifetime and another still

Forbidden Fruit - An End to a Beginning

A look,

An electric touch

As powerful as the heat of a thousand suns

A sensation that too scorches

Ignites a fire

A world of burning desire

A morning

An eccentric evening

As the sun bids farewell to the rising celestial crescent

A thought that too sings of valediction

Spawns a new era

A world filled with contemporary fervor 

And as we walk through the valley of a new found glory

We tread along paths that have yet to share stories

Oh smile, ye of little faith

Fear not for we will win this race

Though life may be fickle, she can also be kind

A great contradiction Mother Nature is nigh

A lesson

A professor of faith

May we be the ones to ultimately create

A world that too is built on credence

In the classroom we yearn

For the power of knowledge we so wish to learn

And so 'tis the end to my fictitious fable

An unpredictable conduit to which we are disabled

Through perjury emanates the gilded truth

To which naught will be exempt from eating the fruit

Hope will hoist us into the new

For this is how it ends, albeit this is how it begins too

Through Eyes of a Stranger

Fragments of her were scattered across a world that she had not yet discovered. She, who knew no boundaries. She, who lost herself through gateways of infinite pleasure. Broken destruction encompassed her, swallowed her into an ether of burning desire. She drowned in their love, she suffocated beneath them. Their harsh yet tender touch caressed her womb, caressed her soul - lighting a fire she so wished to smother.
The insatiable act was worldly but alas, her eyes closed and she lost herself.
"A dream, a nightmare, that's all this is," she wept silently.

She pleaded inwardly and bled at the surface. Heady were the sensations her body had come to know and betray her for. Vehement were the acts between kindred souls.

The familiar tug battered the breath from her rigid lungs, beseeching their master for release, pleading to escape from the moment it had been captured in. And as she lifted her lids, she disconnected from within. Burning embers bore into her - a desire scorching.
She could feel it. A piece of her escaping. Another piece that would be lost to an unworthy opponent.
The suffocation came slowly - the zest for life she once knew - now weighed heavy on another.
As she lay surrounded by fragments of herself, the tormented shards of her soul, the depth of her life - were ripped from her, leaving her bare. Cold, shaking, she stared at herself through another's eyes. Her bruises evident. Fractures at the seams that were once home to her passion for creativity.
This beautiful carnage wept for herself. Her once-whole heart bled for a love she'd never know. She was powerless against Mother Nature's disappointment.

Darkness fell upon the Emerald City. The Yellow Brick Road had been eradicated. This home she once knew was dilapidated now.

Life was unexpected, unpredictable. She was floating in an ocean of aberrations, no horizon in view. She floated - arms stretched out - waiting patiently. The silence was deafening. Louder and louder the silence screamed until she could bare it no longer.

Then came the inevitable moment.

Sinking into the blackness of the ocean that enveloped her. An ocean of lies, deceit, betrayal - aberrations belonging to her and her alone. Responsible for her own fate - tainting the innocence of the sea with scarlet. She could taste death at her lips - it was bittersweet. Because albeit her life was at it's final moments, she was relieved. A tsunami of images washed over - a sensation so vehement it clouded her mind and a life of torment dissipated - swallowed by the depths of a vast, hungry being.

Suddenly her mind was as clear as a daisy-filled field on the first day of Spring. Her soul felt like that of wild horses roaming free, no cares, no worries. Galloping on to new horizons, new adventures.

The Emerald City awoke from it's slumber, the Yellow Brick Road mended and now paved with hope. A dream, undeserved, but pursued with gratitude and fervor.

A second chance had been gifted to the wounded soul.

Riding with the Moon

I long for a fairytale love
I long for a Knight on a white steed
The facade I wear is cracking
And I cannot pretend any longer
I cannot blink away tears of a faltering hope

I am young, I am old
Time is but a luxury that cannot be wasted
On a search that may possibly destroy dreams
Dreams of a scared little girl
My dreams

Blue orficases lurk in the distance
An out-stretched hand I glimpse is out of reach
I scream
But the silence is deafening
The voice that would have been is not heard

The song has now come to end

And so I fall on my knees
My tear-stained face turned upward
Toward the night sky
My hands clasped toegther
Against a withering organ

The celestial sphere above, twinkles
Yet I can see the tiny flames slowly flicker and fade
Like the hope I had for a love that remains unknown

I pray
Angels lead me to my knight
Lead me to where my heart belongs

I'm suffocating
My soul is on fire
Though I fear the flame, will too, flicker and fade
Then all that I am, will die beneath the night sky
While my knight stands just out of reach

On my knees
Hands clenched
Praying for a miracle

I dream to put my arms around my beloved knight
And I hope to do no wrong unto him
Instead, fill him with the love reserved for he who makes me whole

My love
Answer my plea
So we, two halves, can be whole
So that life may begin

And on my knees, I'm frozen
Jaded by an unyielding search
Dampened by relentless tears
Transfixed by the sapphires
That search my face
Worry etched into irises

Come to me
Come to me Knight

Darkness closes in, enveloping me
Green blades, damp with dew against my cheek
I breathe Mother Nature

I breathe
I pray
Angels lead me to my Knight
Lead me to where my heart belongs

And as the last tear soaks into the soil
So my lids grow heavy
Consciousness fades into unconsciousness
Dwelling between reality and fantasy

His hand touches mine
The sensation ardent, so vehement
I take with me the solitude of the moment
Enraptured by the feeling of my skin beneath his touch

I feel his lips at my ear
His luscious words my undoing
"Wait for me my love. Do not give up"

Though the morning light blinds me
My eyes are open for the first time
A new morning
Blessed with a new day

I grasp the gift of life with both hands
Cherishing it
My heart is filled with love
As I await my Knight

My Knight that rides with the moon
And sings the morning song of the early bird
I wait
I wait
I am happy
For the love I have will be vehemently encompassed by a worthy opponent
And my mind will be challenged by the eloquent Knight
In search of his light
In search of his half

To once again be whole
To once again be whole

Abstract Pain

The ear-shattering silence that envelopes me is unbearable
I find myself weeping for a loss I know not of
Past moments flicker by like lightening during the sunrise
As I reminisce of a time I no longer bethink

The Sensations that encompass my trembling body are nonsensical
Though I comprehend them all too well

A rhythmic pounding begins in my chest
Playing a familiar, lonesome symphony
And as the darkness writhes in
And the silence becomes deafening once more
I hum a new tune,
Unfamiliar to my ear

The realization has now set in
All feeling subsides
Numbness spreads throughout my tender frame
My head bowing to an abstract pain

I sit in the corner of a circular room
Encased by darkness
Shedding light on a lone inky tear that falls to my pale knee
Huddled against my chest
In hopes of binding together the ever-splintering organ that was my heart

And I sing a melody that has no words, no tune
I sing out loud, adding to the silence.
My nails scratch against a wall that isn't there
Leaving behind etches in the troublesome sphere

For the longest juncture of a short time
I remember
I dwell on memories that are not my own
Memories that play merrily in the dark abyss of my insane mind
And although sanity prevails, insanity wins
I am forever a contradiction unto myself

Two minds alike
Two souls entwined
Within one vessel
Inside my mind

Home Is Where The Heart Wonders

And my heart wonders
My heart wonders through every vast compass
I am consumed
Consumed with the direction in which I am pulled
Pulled towards an ever winding path of new found glory
Glory I find in minute corners of the world
The world in which I wonder aim-fully
Aim-fully in search of the capacious picture

My home is in heaven
I am merely traveling through the world
My home is where I lay my head at night
Finding comfort in knowing that I am as safe as I can be
My home is where my heart is
And my heart is... where?
Where are you?
I am here.

Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Any place I acquire.
Longingly, lustfully and lovingly captured
Captured by the resplendent ardor of life, love, the world

Dear Heart, I write to You

My Heart,
You torment me
Your direction is left, right, front, and center
How do I follow you, when you do not know your path
I seek salvation in you,
I seek a safe haven,
Yet all I receive is a wake of turmoil and frustration
I cannot, will not believe that your depths are twisted
That from one moment to the next, you are ever changing
Can we reach a compromise?
Can we come to an agreement?
Because I cannot go on any longer, hurting us, and hurting others
I long to be in unison with you, dear Heart,
I long for our morals to be as one
However, your ways seem set, no space for change,
No chance for redemption
You take me down with you, to the depths and fury of a hell, where we both burn
A lifetime of heartache, and disappointment
A change is necessary Heart, listen to my words,
Endeavor to change, endeavor to walk a new path in unison with me, your master
Although, as fate would have it, you are my master, and I your puppet
A law unto which we both know no bounds of love
The love we both have, different yet the same,
Your love has no bounds, mine should
Prevention of that which may hurt us, and scar us
A scar tissue that forever lingers within the depths of our souls as one,
Please, I beg of you, walk in unison with me
Cut the strings that hold me captive, Heart
And let us walk a path of light and humility
Finding that which will find us, happy, content, and satisfied as one
So that we may be loved together, not apart
So that we can be loved truly

Past, Present, Future

Although we do not see eye to eye occasionally,

You are my rock, my mentor, my teacher

Contradictory to our differences, past, present, future

I count my blessings every minute of every day

That God sent me your way

My love for you never falters, nor ever dwindles,

And my life, because of you, will never be swindled.

Tomes will be written of the life I so encountered, much thanks to you

Much appreciation I endeavour for you to behold, to behold so true

Trials and tribulations have been encountered,

But you, mother, have not discounted,

From kin, from friends, from loved ones

Loved ones, that hold you so dear

Selfless, patient, altruistic, gracious,

Characteristics of you, who, bore me, cradled me, wiped away my tears,

In times of extremity, times of hardship, times of happiness

Your love has not faltered, never dissipated

Your true self, that which defines you as a mother, reflects in me, as your daughter

A daughter, idolizing her mother, past, present, future,

Always

Together we will walk the journey that has been set before us

Forever hand in hand, forever connected through blood, through kin, through love

And my future, unforetold, will be defined, be determined by aspirations

Aspirations that I have set in hopes to make my mother proud

Although I do not always make you happy, and we do not always agree,

Remember this,

My love for you mother, is ever unconditional, ever true, and ever sacrificing

I have you to thank for the person I am, for the life I have

My times of need have been eased by your presence

My times of happiness have been basqued in by your love

Thank you, and thank you, and thank you for being you,

My mother, my friend, my mentor, my teacher,

My past, present and future

Happy Birthday mom, I love you!

My Guitar Hero

"You should never try write a song, you should only ever let it happen" - Goldy

When I look into your soul, your truly solitary soul, a tear forms at the slant of my eye and runs down towards the curve of my lip. Forever searching you are, forever sauntering around the world in hopes of finding that one muse to take you away from that, that truly captivates you. To find the one instrument that will end one true love journey, and begin another. Once the magic is encountered, your heart will be so content, the rest will not matter. No more searching, no more hurting. The twilight will be as if there was never any darkness.

Your uniqueness, your voice, your hands on that guitar, oh my. This is what draws me to you. Your raw passion for your one true love magnifies my love for you. You inspire me, you make it all seem possible, but at the same time impossible, because my longing for you has no end.  My soul bleeds at what we have, this connection between us, and what it could be. Always future present is it not? Wow, the slant of your eye, and the curve of your lips, like none other. And although we only had a momentary while to consume one another, and basque in each other, I feel like it has been forever. Worlds apart we sit now, and it is like being tormented and tortured with a razor sharp blade against my throat. I yearn for you near me to take the edge off, I need your presence to linger close to me, and albeit we don’t have that at this present moment, I still have hope, and that is what will get me by. That and our contradicting souls entwined.

Goldy, my body screams your name in the darkness of the night, waiting, wanting.

Your love for the unknown is beauty personified

I may not be that, but I will be your muse in the mean time

Helping you along this journey, growing, learning

Together we will jaunt, electricity exuding between two lost souls

Forever searching until we find, in each other or in another, that which we long for

Do not change who are, do not swindle your life, instead write tomes of your experiences

Write songs, music, write for me, of me, of us, of what you long for

Caress your strings, as you would me, sing a lullaby, whisper it at the nape of my neck, which belongs to you, and you alone

You remain in the foremost part of my complex mind, and I in yours

And together we roam across a vast compilation, music our only haven, and our very own prison

Two contradicting souls entwined, we walk

We walk together

The Man Of the Universe

That juncture when every emotion and feeling inside, bursts like a dam and everything rushes out of you like a fountain of new found twilight. Good feelings, bad feelings, all intertwined in a surreal tangle of pleasure, pain and serenity. Nothing is ever just good or just bad, when what I feel for you is so real, it feels surreal. The amount of time it took for me to fall in love with you is not too short a spell, when you and I coexist the way that we do. I have fallen in love with the ardent beauty that is you, the traveling man, ever so mercurial. Every inch of your soul screams for that which you are constantly searching for. Finding beauty in every molecule, every organism. You swept into my life with such destructive vehemence, that embracing the power and will that possess you, both your strength and weakness, was but all I could do.

You saw right through me, cracked at the very wall I had put up. The intensity between you and I has not faded, but grown, and although you are a mass of contradictions, you are my man of the universe, the worldly traveler, searching and searching still. You have inspired me to look at life through different eyes, to grow within myself, and embrace moments. You linger within me, and my soul stills when you are near.

I saw you in the darkness of the night

A silhouette under the moonlight, the vast ocean surrounding you

The sand between my toes, your hand at the small of my back

Intensity exuding back and fourth, seeking a safe haven, in fear of bursting into flames

What happened? Where did we falter?

We were two different souls, wanting two different things, yet wanting one another

I fight a daily war, a battlefield of love drowning me, consuming me

But knowing you, knowing me, knowing us, I resist the fight

I have to

I am compelled

One look, one moment, one memory

And should that be all I take from this destructive affair, then I am content

I will revel in the perfect moment we shared

I will stride past you on your odyssey though, not beside you

Fearful of being dropped off at a destination that is not meant for us

Though spiritually I will glide, like the eagle in the sky, waiting, watching until the time is met

Your life consumes you; there is no volume for all of me, the shades that make up my very existence

It saddens me

You acquainted me with my seventh shade, shed light on a suppressed trait

Opened my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me everyday

I cannot, I will not destroy the memory of the night I fell in love your existence in this contradicting world.

Matters of the Mind

I have failed, yet I have succeeded

And I will write tomes of these experiences, and my endeavors

My pen will dance til the morning sun

And the black and blue bags under my eyes will tell you a story

A story that may not be your cup of tea

But rather your shot of patron

I will always say or do something you may not condone

But everything I endeavor to do will be because it resonates within me

I have seen the darkness, and I have basqued in the twilight

I have neared the end of a winding journey of faith

But have been pulled back by miracles

I have seen death not warranted, and I have witnessed life anew

And during all the turmoil, I have found salvation and kissed it's very cheek

I am mercurial, I cannot change that

"Do I really want to"? is the question that lays before me

There is a war in my mind, a battle for freedom and fear

Freedom of a life of norms, and monotony

Fear for sanity, and insanity simultaneously

I will never be perfect, and my shades are proof of that

But it is whether you will accept my imperfections, and it is your right not to

I stand before the world, my six shades, and I 

Forever together, forever alone

The battle remains, which shade will win

Can I live with the loss of the very molecules and shades that is me?

Why should I define myself with one shade, 

When six is my number, and six is me!

Image by smashingmagazine.com

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..

For a while I have been asking myself the question: "Is it possible to be in love with more than one person?" There has been a war in my mind for a time now, a constant battle of right and wrong, and what is acceptable in society's eyes. I dug within the contours of my often complex mind, spun circles and webs, dreamed of the answers, danced around the possibilities of what they could be, and finally derived an answer using what resonated with me, and what I felt was right. My resources are reliable, trusted and acceptable in the eyes of many all over the universe, and I feel that my conclusion to this question, that I think sits in the back of a numerous amount of people's mind, is sensible, plain and simple.

You see, I have six shades of love in my life. Funny enough, in Greek Mythology, there are six different types of love:

Eros:          

An intimate/ erotic love involving tremendous passion, physical attraction and emotional intensity

Agape:       

Sacrificial or altruistic love - placing a loved one's welfare before one's own, and giving without asking anything in return

Storge:       

Love as friendship and companionship with very little intimacy

Pragma:      

A practical or logical love where someone actively searches for desired attributes in a partner

Ludus:        

A game-playing love

Mania:        

Also known as the troubled love. It is a jealous, obsessive, and dependant love with great intensity, some intimacy and many psychological symptoms

So.............. How do I love thee? Well, let me count the ways!

I am in love with six different men. Six men, all affecting me differently, and all six that I cannot forget. Each playing a different role in my life, and contributing to my life in different ways. Not all of them have been sexual partners, but all of them have different qualities, and consume different parts of me. You may find me strange to be in love with so many people, and modern society condones only one love in one's life but who are they to judge, where many other societies along with Greek Mythology believes and recognizes that multiple types exist. Dr. Helen Fisher wrote: "..humans are neurologically able to love more than one person at a time", and I, along with many others, am proof of that statement.

Perhaps the reason for my being in love with the 'six' is to help find myself, and identify who I am in the 'six'. After all, don't we grow as people from the relationships we are in? I may be unconsciously searching for something within myself. I want to grow from each relationship, and take a piece of each of them with me, and at the same time help each of the 'six' grow within themselves as well. But, if ever I had to choose between them, I would be torn. I would not be able to choose which man is the better man, as each do not possess all the qualities of the other, that has drawn me to them. Each man is perfect in his own right, and each man is beautifully their own person. I do not have the right to choose between them.This leads me to ask the question: "Is there ONE love above all the rest?" As the saying goes:

"Love is living, and therefore growing; love is growing and therefore expanding; there is no limit to the expansion of love, for its source is divine, thus its expansion is perfect" - Hazrat Inayat Khan - The Sufi Message

So I am undoubtedly, and willingly in love with six great men, six unique souls that each play a different, yet truly beautiful role in my life, and I will go on about my ways, loving each of them truly, and wholly.



(Side Note: I am not in a relationship with any of these men)

Not So Lucky Number 7?

I arrived in Thailand with excitement coursing through my veins. A completely new experience from that of the monotonous and materialistic ways of my former home. Everything here is filled with humility, despite some of the underground going ons. Nevertheless, I have embraced that which is Thailand, the lifestyle of peace, tranquility and humility. I try to be grounded, and balanced as much as I can, but find myself leaning more towards being bat-shit crazy, yet still sane in a sense, if that makes any sense at all. My mind often travels, and ponders on life, and what it is that we're meant to do. In Thailand the possibilities are endless, and the world is your oyster. But as the days, weeks and months roll into one another, like the constant ebb and flow of the glorious ocean, I begin to ponder once again. I sit now, with the question: "Why did I come to Thailand? Was it to find myself? Am I searching for something?" Yes, that must be the answer. But during the interim of 'finding myself', I stumbled upon a new realization and it has dawned on me that I have found something already, which may be the start of many realizations in my journey of discovery.

I have been introduced to a seventh shade of myself. An extra piece to the ever confusing puzzle that is me. But, now I sit confused still. The seventh shade of me is a dangerous shade, one that I have yet to explore in-depth, but fear though, what I find, I might not like, or worse still, like too much.

The fact that fear comes to mind is a scary thought, one should never fear who they are, but embrace it and learn the depths of the trait. Not necessarily practice it, but learn it. I enjoy discovery, and perhaps this discovery will enlighten me, or perhaps it will be a suppressed trait until further examination. Whatever the case, it needs to be worked on and molded first, like a great artwork before its exhibition. It will be my little secret until I am ready to showcase it to the few lucky or not so lucky people that meet the seventh shade of me.

Not so lucky number 7!

Ramblings of a crazy woman..

Should I have to explain the depths of my mind, and the complexity along with it, I would have to write a book, Although it is not easy for me to open up, I feel that I can help others grow through my writing, through my thoughts, and through my feelings.

At the same time, opening up might assist me in some growth in my ever changing life. 

So where do you start a story? At the very beginning? Well, how about smack, bang in the middle! No past, no future, only the present.

Living in Thailand, my my my. It is here, that my inspiration has found its way back to me, and the reason my pen is dancing wildly over my notepad. The pleasure I feel after so many years without a muse is overwhelming and exhausting. Overwhelming because I have missed it so, exhausting because it has me up until 3am every morning, thinking, writing, exuding my creative energy all over my home. I have Thailand, or my knack for opening my eyes to better possibilities, to thank for this burst of inspiration. Perhaps I have both to thank for it. I’ll be sure to write a thank you letter to them.

So, here I am in Hua Hin, Thailand, writing. My thoughts are wild, and my palm twitching and itching to write, and all I can do is give into my temptations. I look like a bat shit crazy woman. Laptop in front of me, coffee to the left, cigarettes to the right, some inspiring music playing softly in the background, and the great big ocean a couple of meters away. Ask me again why I’m suddenly inspired for the first time in years? I know!

Fires ablaze within my soul, darkness, turned into twilight, my fingers caressing the keyboard, and every word written is a song to my ears. My rambles have not fallen on deaf ears, or people blinded by life, they have fallen beneath the noses of those that are in need of something more than the monotonous ebb and flow of a 'normal' life. Search your soul and discover who you are. It is never too late to do what you dream. Snap out of reality, and step into the world of endless possibilities. Write it down, type it out, paint it on a canvas, but whatever you do, you need to discover it creatively. Forget monotony, forget normality, and start living the intriguing lifestyle of that which you were born to live. I could go on and on and bla bla bla, but you are the only person that will get yourself to where you need to be. Without you, you are helpless. Open your mind and heart, and achieve all you desire. 

Make your life splendid! 

Life, Anew..

A hurtful realization dawned on me last night when I received an eye-opening email from my past.

The realization is this:

I can no longer be selfish in baking the cake and eating the entirety of it as well. Firstly, my derriere is large enough, and secondly, I need to learn to let go of certain things, and share it with the world.
In life, sometimes, one needs to let go and move on, as hard as it seems at the time. When holding onto something, or someone for your own selfish reasons, you start toying with their dignity, and where then, is yours? I need to let go, and let him be free of the prison that it is me. Me, being the warden of his broken heart! How cruel am I? Yes, you can say it - truly cruel.

You see, although I mention in my previous post: "the problem with the majority of society today, is that we have an unquenchable thirst or need, if you will, for people to like us, and accept us."  well I am, or one of me, is part of that majority and I cannot let go until I know whole-heartedly that there is no hatred or unsettled matters between both parties. The email I received though changed every notion I had on that conformity and I am seemingly a changed person, or at least my views have been altered drastically.

Having said that I would like to dedicate this post to the man that I've held captive by my selfish ways. I am truly sorry. You can now walk away, dignity intact. You deserve that and every happiness.

..life, anew

I was blinded by my selfishness and you were lost in my prison
Shameful remorse is the feeling for the day
And freedom is yours for eternity
Although we part ways in a seemingly dignified matter
My heart remains unsettled
And my mind still races with ways it could have been done differently
Deserving you are of freedom from the prison that is me,
Deserving you are of another that can love you like I couldn't.
My hopes and dreams for you remain the same.
Succeed and achieve all you desire
And although you desire me, my picture and your love for me will pass like the seasons in a year.
I will fade into a distant memory,
And my conviction for this truly selfish act, will be to remember.
Remember everything

So here is to a life, anew. Live it, breathe it, and find happiness in every action and every moment, and remember that the selfish acts one dares to dare or dream, could result in a lifetime conviction of remembrance.

Sincerely,
Lauren

6 Shades of ME!

So, the underlying truth of that which is me, is that I suffer from a disease of which I am certain is my occasional downfall. Nevertheless, it contributes to the beauty of imperfection. The imperfection of a human being, I think, would be the beautiful quality that shines through, because lets face it, who is perfect? Certainly not I. Actually, far from it.

This is a tale of my many imperfections, and how the world around me views who I am, what I am, and who or what I am doing. You see, the problem with the majority of society today, is that we have an unquenchable thirst or need, if you will, for people to like us, and accept us. To be part of a group, a clique, a world that is acceptable in the eyes of the People, Them, They! Who are the People? Who are They? Who are the infinite Them? Who gave them the right to "write" a rule book on what should be acceptable? I'll tell you a little secret, They/ Them/ the People, vanished off the face of the earth about a minute ago. They NO longer matter in your life. BE who you inspire to be. The only person holding you back in your life is YOU! Man up, and stand up for what YOU believe in.

Follow me on my crazy/ beautiful journey of imperfection, and of the 6 Shades of my personality. You'll be introduced to all of the pieces of me, and you'll either like it or you won't.  But take from it, the courage of being the person you were born to be, by not necessarily conforming to my beliefs, but by deriving your own from many. Think of it as a journey to your center, to your very core, where you can stand up and proudly say, "This is Me, accept it, or forget it".