Past, Present, Future

Although we do not see eye to eye occasionally,

You are my rock, my mentor, my teacher

Contradictory to our differences, past, present, future

I count my blessings every minute of every day

That God sent me your way

My love for you never falters, nor ever dwindles,

And my life, because of you, will never be swindled.

Tomes will be written of the life I so encountered, much thanks to you

Much appreciation I endeavour for you to behold, to behold so true

Trials and tribulations have been encountered,

But you, mother, have not discounted,

From kin, from friends, from loved ones

Loved ones, that hold you so dear

Selfless, patient, altruistic, gracious,

Characteristics of you, who, bore me, cradled me, wiped away my tears,

In times of extremity, times of hardship, times of happiness

Your love has not faltered, never dissipated

Your true self, that which defines you as a mother, reflects in me, as your daughter

A daughter, idolizing her mother, past, present, future,

Always

Together we will walk the journey that has been set before us

Forever hand in hand, forever connected through blood, through kin, through love

And my future, unforetold, will be defined, be determined by aspirations

Aspirations that I have set in hopes to make my mother proud

Although I do not always make you happy, and we do not always agree,

Remember this,

My love for you mother, is ever unconditional, ever true, and ever sacrificing

I have you to thank for the person I am, for the life I have

My times of need have been eased by your presence

My times of happiness have been basqued in by your love

Thank you, and thank you, and thank you for being you,

My mother, my friend, my mentor, my teacher,

My past, present and future

Happy Birthday mom, I love you!

My Guitar Hero

"You should never try write a song, you should only ever let it happen" - Goldy

When I look into your soul, your truly solitary soul, a tear forms at the slant of my eye and runs down towards the curve of my lip. Forever searching you are, forever sauntering around the world in hopes of finding that one muse to take you away from that, that truly captivates you. To find the one instrument that will end one true love journey, and begin another. Once the magic is encountered, your heart will be so content, the rest will not matter. No more searching, no more hurting. The twilight will be as if there was never any darkness.

Your uniqueness, your voice, your hands on that guitar, oh my. This is what draws me to you. Your raw passion for your one true love magnifies my love for you. You inspire me, you make it all seem possible, but at the same time impossible, because my longing for you has no end.  My soul bleeds at what we have, this connection between us, and what it could be. Always future present is it not? Wow, the slant of your eye, and the curve of your lips, like none other. And although we only had a momentary while to consume one another, and basque in each other, I feel like it has been forever. Worlds apart we sit now, and it is like being tormented and tortured with a razor sharp blade against my throat. I yearn for you near me to take the edge off, I need your presence to linger close to me, and albeit we don’t have that at this present moment, I still have hope, and that is what will get me by. That and our contradicting souls entwined.

Goldy, my body screams your name in the darkness of the night, waiting, wanting.

Your love for the unknown is beauty personified

I may not be that, but I will be your muse in the mean time

Helping you along this journey, growing, learning

Together we will jaunt, electricity exuding between two lost souls

Forever searching until we find, in each other or in another, that which we long for

Do not change who are, do not swindle your life, instead write tomes of your experiences

Write songs, music, write for me, of me, of us, of what you long for

Caress your strings, as you would me, sing a lullaby, whisper it at the nape of my neck, which belongs to you, and you alone

You remain in the foremost part of my complex mind, and I in yours

And together we roam across a vast compilation, music our only haven, and our very own prison

Two contradicting souls entwined, we walk

We walk together

The Man Of the Universe

That juncture when every emotion and feeling inside, bursts like a dam and everything rushes out of you like a fountain of new found twilight. Good feelings, bad feelings, all intertwined in a surreal tangle of pleasure, pain and serenity. Nothing is ever just good or just bad, when what I feel for you is so real, it feels surreal. The amount of time it took for me to fall in love with you is not too short a spell, when you and I coexist the way that we do. I have fallen in love with the ardent beauty that is you, the traveling man, ever so mercurial. Every inch of your soul screams for that which you are constantly searching for. Finding beauty in every molecule, every organism. You swept into my life with such destructive vehemence, that embracing the power and will that possess you, both your strength and weakness, was but all I could do.

You saw right through me, cracked at the very wall I had put up. The intensity between you and I has not faded, but grown, and although you are a mass of contradictions, you are my man of the universe, the worldly traveler, searching and searching still. You have inspired me to look at life through different eyes, to grow within myself, and embrace moments. You linger within me, and my soul stills when you are near.

I saw you in the darkness of the night

A silhouette under the moonlight, the vast ocean surrounding you

The sand between my toes, your hand at the small of my back

Intensity exuding back and fourth, seeking a safe haven, in fear of bursting into flames

What happened? Where did we falter?

We were two different souls, wanting two different things, yet wanting one another

I fight a daily war, a battlefield of love drowning me, consuming me

But knowing you, knowing me, knowing us, I resist the fight

I have to

I am compelled

One look, one moment, one memory

And should that be all I take from this destructive affair, then I am content

I will revel in the perfect moment we shared

I will stride past you on your odyssey though, not beside you

Fearful of being dropped off at a destination that is not meant for us

Though spiritually I will glide, like the eagle in the sky, waiting, watching until the time is met

Your life consumes you; there is no volume for all of me, the shades that make up my very existence

It saddens me

You acquainted me with my seventh shade, shed light on a suppressed trait

Opened my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me everyday

I cannot, I will not destroy the memory of the night I fell in love your existence in this contradicting world.

Matters of the Mind

I have failed, yet I have succeeded

And I will write tomes of these experiences, and my endeavors

My pen will dance til the morning sun

And the black and blue bags under my eyes will tell you a story

A story that may not be your cup of tea

But rather your shot of patron

I will always say or do something you may not condone

But everything I endeavor to do will be because it resonates within me

I have seen the darkness, and I have basqued in the twilight

I have neared the end of a winding journey of faith

But have been pulled back by miracles

I have seen death not warranted, and I have witnessed life anew

And during all the turmoil, I have found salvation and kissed it's very cheek

I am mercurial, I cannot change that

"Do I really want to"? is the question that lays before me

There is a war in my mind, a battle for freedom and fear

Freedom of a life of norms, and monotony

Fear for sanity, and insanity simultaneously

I will never be perfect, and my shades are proof of that

But it is whether you will accept my imperfections, and it is your right not to

I stand before the world, my six shades, and I 

Forever together, forever alone

The battle remains, which shade will win

Can I live with the loss of the very molecules and shades that is me?

Why should I define myself with one shade, 

When six is my number, and six is me!

Image by smashingmagazine.com

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..

For a while I have been asking myself the question: "Is it possible to be in love with more than one person?" There has been a war in my mind for a time now, a constant battle of right and wrong, and what is acceptable in society's eyes. I dug within the contours of my often complex mind, spun circles and webs, dreamed of the answers, danced around the possibilities of what they could be, and finally derived an answer using what resonated with me, and what I felt was right. My resources are reliable, trusted and acceptable in the eyes of many all over the universe, and I feel that my conclusion to this question, that I think sits in the back of a numerous amount of people's mind, is sensible, plain and simple.

You see, I have six shades of love in my life. Funny enough, in Greek Mythology, there are six different types of love:

Eros:          

An intimate/ erotic love involving tremendous passion, physical attraction and emotional intensity

Agape:       

Sacrificial or altruistic love - placing a loved one's welfare before one's own, and giving without asking anything in return

Storge:       

Love as friendship and companionship with very little intimacy

Pragma:      

A practical or logical love where someone actively searches for desired attributes in a partner

Ludus:        

A game-playing love

Mania:        

Also known as the troubled love. It is a jealous, obsessive, and dependant love with great intensity, some intimacy and many psychological symptoms

So.............. How do I love thee? Well, let me count the ways!

I am in love with six different men. Six men, all affecting me differently, and all six that I cannot forget. Each playing a different role in my life, and contributing to my life in different ways. Not all of them have been sexual partners, but all of them have different qualities, and consume different parts of me. You may find me strange to be in love with so many people, and modern society condones only one love in one's life but who are they to judge, where many other societies along with Greek Mythology believes and recognizes that multiple types exist. Dr. Helen Fisher wrote: "..humans are neurologically able to love more than one person at a time", and I, along with many others, am proof of that statement.

Perhaps the reason for my being in love with the 'six' is to help find myself, and identify who I am in the 'six'. After all, don't we grow as people from the relationships we are in? I may be unconsciously searching for something within myself. I want to grow from each relationship, and take a piece of each of them with me, and at the same time help each of the 'six' grow within themselves as well. But, if ever I had to choose between them, I would be torn. I would not be able to choose which man is the better man, as each do not possess all the qualities of the other, that has drawn me to them. Each man is perfect in his own right, and each man is beautifully their own person. I do not have the right to choose between them.This leads me to ask the question: "Is there ONE love above all the rest?" As the saying goes:

"Love is living, and therefore growing; love is growing and therefore expanding; there is no limit to the expansion of love, for its source is divine, thus its expansion is perfect" - Hazrat Inayat Khan - The Sufi Message

So I am undoubtedly, and willingly in love with six great men, six unique souls that each play a different, yet truly beautiful role in my life, and I will go on about my ways, loving each of them truly, and wholly.



(Side Note: I am not in a relationship with any of these men)

Not So Lucky Number 7?

I arrived in Thailand with excitement coursing through my veins. A completely new experience from that of the monotonous and materialistic ways of my former home. Everything here is filled with humility, despite some of the underground going ons. Nevertheless, I have embraced that which is Thailand, the lifestyle of peace, tranquility and humility. I try to be grounded, and balanced as much as I can, but find myself leaning more towards being bat-shit crazy, yet still sane in a sense, if that makes any sense at all. My mind often travels, and ponders on life, and what it is that we're meant to do. In Thailand the possibilities are endless, and the world is your oyster. But as the days, weeks and months roll into one another, like the constant ebb and flow of the glorious ocean, I begin to ponder once again. I sit now, with the question: "Why did I come to Thailand? Was it to find myself? Am I searching for something?" Yes, that must be the answer. But during the interim of 'finding myself', I stumbled upon a new realization and it has dawned on me that I have found something already, which may be the start of many realizations in my journey of discovery.

I have been introduced to a seventh shade of myself. An extra piece to the ever confusing puzzle that is me. But, now I sit confused still. The seventh shade of me is a dangerous shade, one that I have yet to explore in-depth, but fear though, what I find, I might not like, or worse still, like too much.

The fact that fear comes to mind is a scary thought, one should never fear who they are, but embrace it and learn the depths of the trait. Not necessarily practice it, but learn it. I enjoy discovery, and perhaps this discovery will enlighten me, or perhaps it will be a suppressed trait until further examination. Whatever the case, it needs to be worked on and molded first, like a great artwork before its exhibition. It will be my little secret until I am ready to showcase it to the few lucky or not so lucky people that meet the seventh shade of me.

Not so lucky number 7!

Ramblings of a crazy woman..

Should I have to explain the depths of my mind, and the complexity along with it, I would have to write a book, Although it is not easy for me to open up, I feel that I can help others grow through my writing, through my thoughts, and through my feelings.

At the same time, opening up might assist me in some growth in my ever changing life. 

So where do you start a story? At the very beginning? Well, how about smack, bang in the middle! No past, no future, only the present.

Living in Thailand, my my my. It is here, that my inspiration has found its way back to me, and the reason my pen is dancing wildly over my notepad. The pleasure I feel after so many years without a muse is overwhelming and exhausting. Overwhelming because I have missed it so, exhausting because it has me up until 3am every morning, thinking, writing, exuding my creative energy all over my home. I have Thailand, or my knack for opening my eyes to better possibilities, to thank for this burst of inspiration. Perhaps I have both to thank for it. I’ll be sure to write a thank you letter to them.

So, here I am in Hua Hin, Thailand, writing. My thoughts are wild, and my palm twitching and itching to write, and all I can do is give into my temptations. I look like a bat shit crazy woman. Laptop in front of me, coffee to the left, cigarettes to the right, some inspiring music playing softly in the background, and the great big ocean a couple of meters away. Ask me again why I’m suddenly inspired for the first time in years? I know!

Fires ablaze within my soul, darkness, turned into twilight, my fingers caressing the keyboard, and every word written is a song to my ears. My rambles have not fallen on deaf ears, or people blinded by life, they have fallen beneath the noses of those that are in need of something more than the monotonous ebb and flow of a 'normal' life. Search your soul and discover who you are. It is never too late to do what you dream. Snap out of reality, and step into the world of endless possibilities. Write it down, type it out, paint it on a canvas, but whatever you do, you need to discover it creatively. Forget monotony, forget normality, and start living the intriguing lifestyle of that which you were born to live. I could go on and on and bla bla bla, but you are the only person that will get yourself to where you need to be. Without you, you are helpless. Open your mind and heart, and achieve all you desire. 

Make your life splendid!