Happiness is waiting...

Truth is folks, happiness is ours for when we dare to embrace it. We crave happiness, satisfaction and contentment but what are we doing about it? Waiting around for all these gifts to come our way. We ask, "Why am I not happy? Why can't I be happy?" expecting intricate answers to simple questions.

Truth is folks... these gifts are at the tips of our fingers, within our grasp, for when we want it, truly want it. These gifts aren't something we sit around waiting, patiently, or rather impatiently, for. No, it will never consume us if we're lying in our bed, sitting on our sofa, kneeling on our shower floor, hoping or wondering "Why me?".

CREATE IT!

Truth is folks... we're lazy.

CREATE IT!

MOLD IT!

Make the effort to search within yourself, or the small beauties around you and work on it.

Create your canvas of happiness. Colour your life beautiful. Think outside the box, colour outside the lines, be fearless. Sing your song, dance your dance. Love the little things and accept the big one's.

Truth is folks... Happiness is ours. For when we want it. Truly!

Love Struck

"Come hither", the temptress whispers in his ear.

Tiny hair follicles on end. riveting. 

Exploding synapses as the sound pouring from her tainted lips, sings the tune of his soul.

"I don't want this. Be gone seductress! Be GONE!" He howls across the universe, speaking to Fate and Destiny and all who hold his course.

Breathless he keels over, hands to knees, knees trembling, knees to ground, hands sweating. 

"Why is life so unfair?" 

The ultimate question. His thoughts are a blur, a ludicrous fusion of all that was right, and everything that was wrong. A compass pointing every which way, but no place in particular. Morals, vices, virtue, infused into a beautiful chaotic accord - an accord that was too vigorous and too feeble simultaneously.

Of the pain he has endured, of the love he has felt, or the sensations that he's lived for, nothing compares to the agony of this kind of passionate affair. An affair that unhinged every screw that had been perfectly placed. The wall that was built, the emotion that was hidden in the deep crevices of the soul, were ripped apart and left bare for the temptress. She devoured his heart, as he did hers. They feasted on one another as kings and queens feast on special occasions. 

The odyssey they pursued was exquisite. They traveled places near and far, crossed oceans, indulged in Life's beauty and chaos, flew high above the clouds and soared as eagles soar. Gravity, though, or Fate and Destiny, or even the Universe herself could not keep them flying through the pink and orange hued sphere. The sun set, and the clouds tumbled in, along with the thunder, and lightening struck them down to earth, down further, to a heated pit. 

The love struck wanderers found themselves in a heat of fury. Blame was thrown, hearts were broken and fires were blazing. But even through all the pain and suffering, there was a love like no other. A passion that incinerated almost everything in it's path. A sensation, not of this extraordinary world. But alas, love was not enough. 

Love cannot be enough in the depths of a personal Hell.

Life was unbalanced. Actions were impulsive, emotional, without conscious thought. 

Passion turned to aggression, awe turned to spite. Love was love was hatred was hurt was agony was beauty was passion was pain. 

Love did not survive the fury of the passionate heart. Yet it still lingers as they move forward in their lives. Hope is ever present, however small it may be.

Sometimes hope is all you need to move on. Sometimes creating a new life, a new love and new passion with whats right in front of you is the best way forward. 

Love the small things, love the crazy things, love the adventure, the pain, the passion and all that comes with it, but love outside your personal Hell. Or love after you learn to love yourself. Because that is what this comes down to folks. You can love someone with every single, minute fiber of your extraordinary being, but if you do not love yourself, love will not be enough. It will never enough. 

The sad, truth can set you free. 

Free yourself from self-hatred and learn to love and live with yourself. Once you do that, you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish. 

star-crossed lovers. by FrancesHolly

dear Depression,

i write to you. do not judge me for my lack of grammar, i am not a book.
i do, however have something important to say if you'll lend me your ear for a brief second.

it is truly sad how we undermine you Depression. your name is thrown around so lightly and playfully at times even by me. i cannot fathom the destruction you have caused, the storm you have released upon so many lives. you are darkness with no light, no bright side. you devour us like a hungry wolf and still come back for more.

try explaining to loved one's the feelings pulsing through you during an attack by the ol' mighty YOU. there is no fucking explanation and yet we're regularly asked, "are you okay?" to which we respond, "no" though unable to explain why we are not okay. or we respond "yes" simply. easily. yet the turmoil buried deep within is rising to the surface. that black hole we run from is slowly catching up and all we can do is stop, turn around and let it consume us because we know there is no where to hide.

getting out of bed to face the day is burdensome. with a rueful demeanor we drag our feet to the shower so as to not smell of yesterday's defeat. repulsed by friends and family we avoid contact by any means and then wonder why no one's calling to ask how we're doing. do they not care? alone we meander through the motions of the day wishing it would end so that sleep would consume us and reality would dissipate for a few short hours. only to wake up to a light that burns to the core. and so we crawl back under the blanket and cry.

why, Depression, why? it is a simple question. how do you finger us out and play at our strings. you, the great puppet master. why do you insist on humiliating us? we hide our mirrors because our reflections reveal an ugly portrait of you. we avoid feelings because you've made it impossible to feel anything but horrible. ugly. disgusting. worthless. hopeless. tomorrow is not another day when you are present. tomorrow is another door to hell with our name's printed ever so lonesomely on it. lonely. alone. isolated. forsaken. solitary. the only friend we possess during your massacre.

but boy do i have news for you Depression. your lifespan is limited. although you do not see it you provide an awareness, a sense of expanded consciousness. you provide a realization of truth. because no matter how hard you try to gain friends during your massacre, you will always be alone. you either kill or give life. the former and latter leave you without, leave you wanting. there will come a day where we see a flicker of light, of hope. where we'll take hold of a loving hand and be encompassed by a warm embrace. our cold blood will run hot, igniting a passion within us. igniting a fire that was smothered by your poisonous affection.

ah, there will be a day. just you wait and see. you are alone old friend. you are alone. and we, we are awakened by your touch. though scars remain, memories etched, we have tasted hell but we now walk through the cancerous fire with a thirst for a life. we do have something to say. we do have lives to touch and children to birth. passion to be felt, loves to be had. without doubt we know we'll cross paths with you again, and though we may not be prepared for it, there'll be that flicker.

and that flicker is all we need.

sincerely,
anonymous.

When Opportunity comes a-knocking

So, we are human. That's obvious. And being human, living the lives we do, we are often faced with problems. Difficulties arrive and obstacles are introduced and we, as humans, are taken aback by these trials. We tend to curl up into little balls of fear. Our canvas is etched with worry and "what ifs". We lose sight of our goals in the process of worrying about the problem we are faced with. I was taught to overcome obstacles placed before me, I was taught to be strong, but alas we live in a conditioned society and the world at times can be cruel.  We cannot always live up to what we have been taught when the world around us teaches the masses to think a certain way.

Our difficulties are our own. And we can overcome despite the deep-seeded fear buried within. 

Do not fear the unexpected. Do not fear the problems you are faced with. Instead ask questions. Brainstorm this difficulty that has presented itself at the most inconvenient time in your life - as it always does.

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

Winston Churchill

Is there opportunity within this trial? 

Is there a lesson to be learned? 

Is there any value to the problem you're faced with? 

How can you overcome and grow from this difficulty?

Every problem you're faced with has some sort of value, or lesson, or opportunity hidden in the depths of it's disparity. You have a choice. 

You can be pessimistic about the problem, anticipating only the bad, but where does that leave you? With undesirable outcomes?. If that is your way of over-coming, there is no judgement. Each to their own. 

OR

You can be optimistic when faced with a problem and know that the situation before you is of value to your life and your circumstances. Lessons can be learned and new outlooks can be established.

It is your choice. You decide whether you learn from the situation, move forward and grow. 

OR

You can adjust to the situation. You can view the difficulty for what it really is and be realistic about what is happening. 

Should you find negativity in the wind, you can either hope for it to change or adjust to it. Ultimately there is no right or wrong way of overcoming. Each of us is unique in our own right. We all function differently. If you cannot adjust to your situation then be optimistic about the problem. Every problem has a positive outcome buried at the root. Seek opportunity in every difficulty - perhaps the outcome will be that of positive value and lessons learned from pushing through or adjusting when times get rough.

You are worth more than pessimism. Don't wish for undesirables to come your way. There is always some value in every situation. Seek opportunity. Invite opportunity in when it comes knocking at your door. 

Overcome. Learn. Grow.

What would you do if faced with a problem? 

Ego: Through the Fire & into the Belly of The Beast

Part Two:

Running is easy.

Sprinting through the fire and into the belly of The Beast is easier.

The days that followed my encounter with the Ultimate Casanova have been capricious. My erratic behavior noticeable and questioned.

Oh, the Holy Grail. Ego handed me a golden goblet filled with all-mighty destruction and watched as I gulped, greedily. His smile was laced with malevolence as he rubbed his palms together.

Now I stare into the hazel eyes of the one I truly love. My heart breaks, piece by piece, as the obliteration of our relationship continues.

I question him.
I doubt him.
I fear him.

Broken. His fragile heart.

Mere words. Murder. The world around us is deafening. The silence emphatic. It only took a juncture for the flames to rise from beneath our mangled bodies and burn our souls. The rambunctious words of total annihilation kept pouring from my tainted lips. I willed myself to stop, but to no avail. All I could do was cry.

Cry for him.
Cry for his soul.
Cry for his torn love.

I can tell you this. He loves me. Irrevocably. But to his detriment? To mine?

Ego can taint a person. Ego can change one's thought process. Ego can infect your immune system. Ego can alter you. But there is hope. There has to be.

I sit. Watching. Watching his every move. For fear of him meeting someone that'll steal his heart - knowing full well that his heart has already been stolen. I am surrounded by an ocean of people exuding happiness, anger, sadness. But none of these emotions matter to me. The noise fades into nothing as Fear consumes me and invites Jealousy to accompany us into the darkness that looms around the corner.

It starts in my toes, spreading up to my ankles, entwining around my carves like vines - creeping slowly, poisoning my synapses. The venom spreads throughout my body, corrupting and influencing every thought and every action. I lose control. All of me - contaminated by Ego's malice.

Ego, wretched Ego.

I drop to my knees, drowning in the crowd, surrounded by an illusion of people who are better than me, more attractive, intelligent, challenging. I scream inwardly. I weep tears of silence and imprison my unwanted guests - Doubt, Jealousy and Fear - knowing that they'll escape and attack in the unpredictable future.

One
Two
Three
Four

Days pass by. I endeavor to restrain my prisoners. I'm strong, but the uninvited are stronger. United they stand. United they escape. United they attack. Pouncing on their unsuspecting victim.

His expression drips with a thousand unspoken words. His hazel eyes saddened. His beautiful face is warped, he shakes his head in sorrow and disbelief as I attack him for reasons that I have created. Reasons that were artistically painted on a canvas of delusion with the help of my fellow artists.

My words cut like a thousand blades - laced in assumption and misconception.
Suddenly, I stop. I listen. I hear the insanity.

I whisper the words: "I'm sorry".

To be continued...

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Can you feel it?

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

A wound, deep

Jagged edge, blunt force

Stab me with your actions

Console me with words

Hiding? From what? 

Me? Yourself? The world, perhaps.

Time can heal, time can allow a wound to fester.

Time... is this and that

Can you feel it? Time...

It creeps in all around you

Consumes you.

What are you waiting for? 

Time is not waiting for you..

Time can heal, time can allow a wound to fester.

Truth, freedom, honesty

Words of the positive

Words that simultaneously hold a life in it's claws

Honesty spits out the truth that turns imprisonment into freedom

Freedom can heal, freedom can break your heart.

Freedom... is this and that

Can you feel it? Freedom...

It suffocates you to the point of breathing

Are you free?

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Ego: The Ultimate Casanova

Part One:

A soft whisper. 

Enticing to say the least, I remember it vividly. Sporadic words over years foreshadowed what was to be epic, though blind we were to this revelation.

Loveless, we found solace in each other’s intellect, silently spitting words that resonated emphatically, through two bodies that would later become one.

A fairytale began as quickly as it ended.

I studied the story excessively, disconcerted by the abruption that came to pass.

Was it possible to murder a healthy condition of the heart with a despicable act of adultery? Of course it was possible. It happened. It withered. The carnage that was to follow, found me cowering like a fearful child.

Forgiveness is easy.

Decontaminating the mind is complex.

It is assiduous, endeavouring to make work, that which has been broke. Months, years of epiphanies, new horizons, only to fall face forward into the gaping hole of Ego. Once every fortnight or so, I fall. Down the cavernous darkness and into Ego’s open arms. Master of the Carnage of Happiness, I call him.  

He beckons, skeletal hand outstretched before me, “Come hither, sweet child. I have been waiting.”  

His eyes, white and bright, eager for me to go forth and sit beside him on his throne of utter loneliness. I could feel it creep in around me. My mind, playing tricks as the shadows lurked, forming silhouettes of past mistakes. Did Love really require such earnest drudgery? Doubts came swooping in and I began questioning my relationship.

Drat!

I sat, staring in wonder, as Ego held my beating heart in his emaciated hand and squeezed. The pressure was agonizing, my eyes, large, protruding from their sockets as I tried to find breath.

I felt Selfishness creep in first. The son-of-a-bitch took his time about it. Worming through every selfless, loving feeling I had. Then came Doubt – oh did he have a marvellous time. He enveloped the trust I had built and sealed it with a poisonous kiss. A moment after Doubt, came Fear. Fear consumed me, seeped into every pore, contaminating my blood stream, my thoughts. My freedom had been stripped in mere seconds. I was now at the Mercy of Ego and he loved it!

Ascending from the pit, I awoke with a jolt. Sweat dripping. Silence. A beautiful sound. He was asleep beside me. Beauty personified, he was. His lids fluttered as he explored the land of Dreams.

Alas, I was not the only one awake. I could hear them, feel them. Breathing heavily at the nape of my neck, hairs on end as darkness turned into nothing. Doubt was a trickster. Planting seeds in my head to grow a garden of implausible thoughts. Selfishness offered me a beautifully red apple which I whole-heartedly accepted, knowing full well that it would poison my selflessness, but it looked too juicy to resist. Fear, well Fear knocked me right off my feet as he played ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.’

Ego had won this hand. A royal flush was unbeaten by a puny pair of aces. Ego's Poker game had only just begun and I was already drowning and overdrawn. I was consumed. I was selfishly doubtful and filled with fear. 

My feet were itching to leave. 

I got up and walked towards the door in hopes I wouldn't wake the man that was to feel my wrath in the morning. 

Just as I reached the door I froze to the sound of his angelic voice: "Where are you going baby?"

To be continued......

The Door-mat Society

So, here is a tiny piece of advice for you.

For all you boys and girls, men and women, and everyone in between, who find yourselves pleasing people and sacrificing who you are, doing favors - or rather feeling the need to say "yes" to someone who asks you a favor - this one is for you.

There is a difference between doing a favor for someone and feeling an unrelenting obligation to do something for someone, often at your own expense. The mind is a complex thing. It can be wired and re-wired over and over again. This can go unnoticed for years until one day you're absolved and you're able to pinpoint where you went wrong and work specifically on the part that needs love and care.

We are often slaves to our own minds, constantly hoodwinked into thinking a certain way, whether it be logical, emotional, implausible or obscure. People-pleasing often stems from lack of self-love, and there being little to no acceptance of one's self, thus the need to seek out affirmation or recognition in doing things to please other people. I think we lose ourselves in this maze of torment. Taking on different personality traits to please different people will hinder your sight of who you are and the person you were meant to be. 

Now, I completely agree, affirmation makes one feel good about themselves, and everyone does seek this out once in a while, however, be sure to tread the line carefully. The line can and often does become a blur. People come into your life, take advantage of your Door-mat status, ask favors of you, "need" you for whatever crisis is going on in their lives, in return you receive your affirmation,  but then they wipe the hypothetical dirt off their feet when exiting your life. It leaves an horrendous stain and pungent odor of disappointment. That is when the self-loathing sets up home and gets comfortable.

Don't allow favors to become your duty. You have a choice, you can say "no". Know the difference between a favor and an obligation towards doing something for someone. Once you do this, you can concentrate on loving yourself more and finding yourself. The liberation you'll feel when you finally say "no" is remarkable. 

Find absolution from the Door-mat society and learn to say "I love me", "What can I do for me?" I can assure you, it is not selfish, it is simply taking better care of yourself and helping those who need you without it being at own your expense or sacrificing pieces of yourself because you're afraid of the rejection.

Love yourself! You are an exquisitely unique creature and you deserve your own happiness! 

To Be A Writer.....

There's a cool breeze around me, the smell of fresh ground coffee beans, so decadent, my mouth is watering. I hear the ebb and flow of the waves crashing against the shore, emitting a tangy, salty odor, filling my nostrils and fusing with the scent of coffee. It takes me back to yester-years. A little child ambling along the shore, finding debris the most fascinating thing. The sight of it, the feel of it, the taste, though often never what we  were expecting, but alas, still something that should be tried. When you're a child, the world is your playground, your wreckage. To dig, to explore, to stumble and fall upon anything and everything. Life is full of possibilities when you have absolutely no worries.

 So sitting here, sipping my coffee and smoking a cigarette, worrying about what comes next and how this year will turn out and the bills I have to pay and my new health regime I need to dedicate myself to, I gaze ahead toward the ocean. My comfort, my home. There's a fog playing just above the horizon, holding such mystery and just then I am overcome with a harmonious sensation. I have allowed my senses to take control of my being, relieving my mind, body and spirit. A form of meditation perhaps? Perceiving life differently? Looking at things from a new and mysterious perspective? Truth is, we cannot worry about the things we have no control over. Living in the 'here and now" is our saving grace. Today is a gift, tomorrow a mystery. Why endeavor to know what the future may hold, when your time is now?

The seagulls are lurking near any discarded scraps they can find, some swooping down toward a fellow gull in protest. It's a war, a battle for survival. One needs to be dominant in order to survive.. Sitting around, waiting, never served anyone any good. You want something? Go out and get it. A philosophy I have only just learned to live by.

I have had writer' block for a while. It's been frustrating and damn near killing me. But a wise man said to me, just this morning, that I should right what I feel, hear, see and touch. A writer should be able to write about anything because we perceive life differently. A sound we hear or a face we see, a hand we touch can fuel a fire and become the greatest story ever written. So when I gaze upon the ocean, I don't only see water and sand, I see a vast ocean of opportunity waiting for me to grasp it with vehemence. When I hear the waves upon the shore, I hear stories waiting to be written, to be told. When I look at an old man buried in a worn novel, utterly captivated by it's content, I see a thousand lives lived, I see a story of war and love and life. When he forces his eyes away from the paperback and gazes at me, his face etched into a scowl, lines deep and full of worry, moulded that way from years of experiences, I  see the beauty of aging, a painting, perfect in it's own right.

There are many things in life we cannot control, things that should be left for when the time comes. The things we can change though, are our thoughts, the way we perceive life, the way we judge or even the things we hear from another person. Make up your own mind, control your fears, work through your thoughts and perhaps what you see, feel, hear, touch or smell will make a little bit more sense to you and open not just one, but many doors to greater possibilities.