Selfish in Practice, though not in Principle

"I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle" - Jane Austen


I read something today which resonated within me. I related completely and wholly to the words I had read. Powerful and painful they were, playing around in my mind, as children would do in a playground. Bouncing from swing to see-saw to merry-go-round, tiring me out, and leading me to second guess myself - not necessarily a bad thing though. 

We as human beings on this vast plane, living day to day in this universe, struggle with emotion, we struggle with selfishness. Our struggle today is the recognition of the depth of our emotion and the "Great Wall" we construct around ourselves. Selfishness being one of the main factors contributing towards the bricks cemented on a daily basis. People enter our lives for a reason, however is that reason solely to assist in the constant construction of the wall or rather the renovation of our lives, the deconstruction of the walls that have been built up over years of being disappointed and let down by people closest to us. Is that then why we close ourselves off? Why we have become unemotional, yet deeply emotional beings? Why the world around us seems to be falling? Because we cannot seem to demolish the wall, feel empathy and sympathy to the state of the world and it's crumblings?

The question is.... Do we want to feel? Or would we rather continue on a journey of inner emotion, never revealing the inner turmoil bashing and banging against the "Great wall", dying to be released and heard.

Emancipation from pain would be my saving grace, but then would I prefer to feel pain, rather than nothing at all? Would I prefer to be empty, void of emotional substance, than feel pain from those who I allowed entrance into my "Great Wall"? I often feel detached, unemotional - selfish to those around me, because I cannot give them the emotional support they require. It's a flaw, a fault of mine, but I cannot seem to catch wind of endeavoring to slowly start the renovation of my life, my "Great Wall."

I am selfish in practice, but not in principle. I was brought up with morals, taught right from wrong, learned about selflessness, and supporting others in their endeavors. However, the world around me seemed to strive on selfishness and so, unwillingly, I gave into the emotion - conformed to society around me. By no means was it intentional, however, realization has dawned, and a revelation came about, perhaps I am just a selfish being in practice, even though my principles are selfless. 

The revelation is poignant. I am jaded by whether or not to demolish the "Great Wall" and place unyielding faith in my fellow beings. But perhaps it is time to feel afresh. Perchance the time is now. The deconstruction of the "Great Wall" may take time, and that's okay. Ultimately we will take it step-for-step, as long as we continually strive to reveal one emotion after another. Perhaps then, selfishness will dissipate and selflessness will reveal itself, making home in all our hearts.