Part One:
A soft whisper.
Enticing to say the least, I remember it
vividly. Sporadic words over years foreshadowed what was to be epic, though
blind we were to this revelation.
Loveless, we found solace in each other’s intellect,
silently spitting words that resonated emphatically, through two bodies that
would later become one.
A fairytale began as quickly as it ended.
I studied the story excessively, disconcerted by the abruption
that came to pass.
Was it possible to murder a healthy condition of the heart
with a despicable act of adultery? Of course it was possible. It happened. It
withered. The carnage that was to follow, found me cowering like a fearful child.
Forgiveness is easy.
Decontaminating the mind is complex.
It is assiduous, endeavouring to make work, that which has been
broke. Months, years of epiphanies, new horizons, only to fall face forward
into the gaping hole of Ego. Once every fortnight or so, I fall. Down the
cavernous darkness and into Ego’s open arms. Master of the Carnage of
Happiness, I call him.
He beckons,
skeletal hand outstretched before me, “Come hither, sweet child. I have been
waiting.”
His eyes, white and bright, eager for me to go forth and sit
beside him on his throne of utter loneliness. I could feel it creep in around
me. My mind, playing tricks as the shadows lurked, forming silhouettes of past
mistakes. Did Love really require such earnest drudgery? Doubts came swooping
in and I began questioning my relationship.
Drat!
I sat, staring in wonder, as Ego held my beating heart in
his emaciated hand and squeezed. The pressure was agonizing, my eyes, large, protruding
from their sockets as I tried to find breath.
I felt Selfishness creep in first. The son-of-a-bitch took
his time about it. Worming through every selfless, loving feeling I had. Then
came Doubt – oh did he have a marvellous time. He enveloped the trust I had
built and sealed it with a poisonous kiss. A moment after Doubt, came Fear.
Fear consumed me, seeped into every pore, contaminating my blood stream, my
thoughts. My freedom had been stripped in mere seconds. I was now at the Mercy
of Ego and he loved it!
Ascending from the pit, I awoke with a jolt. Sweat dripping.
Silence. A beautiful sound. He was asleep beside me. Beauty personified, he
was. His lids fluttered as he explored the land of Dreams.
Alas, I was not the only one awake. I could hear them, feel
them. Breathing heavily at the nape of my neck, hairs on end as darkness turned
into nothing. Doubt was a trickster. Planting seeds in my head to grow a garden
of implausible thoughts. Selfishness offered me a beautifully red apple which I
whole-heartedly accepted, knowing full well that it would poison my
selflessness, but it looked too juicy to resist. Fear, well Fear knocked me
right off my feet as he played ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.’
Ego had won this hand. A royal flush was unbeaten by a puny pair of aces. Ego's Poker game had only just begun and I was already drowning and overdrawn. I was consumed. I was selfishly doubtful
and filled with fear.
My feet were itching to leave.
I got up and walked
towards the door in hopes I wouldn't wake the man that was to feel my wrath in
the morning.
Just as I reached the door I froze to the sound of his angelic voice: "Where are you going baby?"
To be continued......
