"I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle" - Jane Austen
I read something today which resonated within me. I related completely and wholly to the words I had read. Powerful and painful they were, playing around in my mind, as children would do in a playground. Bouncing from swing to see-saw to merry-go-round, tiring me out, and leading me to second guess myself - not necessarily a bad thing though.
We as human beings on this vast plane, living day to day in this universe, struggle with emotion, we struggle with selfishness. Our struggle today is the recognition of the depth of our emotion and the "Great Wall" we construct around ourselves. Selfishness being one of the main factors contributing towards the bricks cemented on a daily basis. People enter our lives for a reason, however is that reason solely to assist in the constant construction of the wall or rather the renovation of our lives, the deconstruction of the walls that have been built up over years of being disappointed and let down by people closest to us. Is that then why we close ourselves off? Why we have become unemotional, yet deeply emotional beings? Why the world around us seems to be falling? Because we cannot seem to demolish the wall, feel empathy and sympathy to the state of the world and it's crumblings?
The question is.... Do we want to feel? Or would we rather continue on a journey of inner emotion, never revealing the inner turmoil bashing and banging against the "Great wall", dying to be released and heard.
Emancipation from pain would be my saving grace, but then would I prefer to feel pain, rather than nothing at all? Would I prefer to be empty, void of emotional substance, than feel pain from those who I allowed entrance into my "Great Wall"? I often feel detached, unemotional - selfish to those around me, because I cannot give them the emotional support they require. It's a flaw, a fault of mine, but I cannot seem to catch wind of endeavoring to slowly start the renovation of my life, my "Great Wall."
I am selfish in practice, but not in principle. I was brought up with morals, taught right from wrong, learned about selflessness, and supporting others in their endeavors. However, the world around me seemed to strive on selfishness and so, unwillingly, I gave into the emotion - conformed to society around me. By no means was it intentional, however, realization has dawned, and a revelation came about, perhaps I am just a selfish being in practice, even though my principles are selfless.
The revelation is poignant. I am jaded by whether or not to demolish the "Great Wall" and place unyielding faith in my fellow beings. But perhaps it is time to feel afresh. Perchance the time is now. The deconstruction of the "Great Wall" may take time, and that's okay. Ultimately we will take it step-for-step, as long as we continually strive to reveal one emotion after another. Perhaps then, selfishness will dissipate and selflessness will reveal itself, making home in all our hearts.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
A Suitcase of Memories
"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle
My dearest friend
I long contemplated what it was that I wanted to express to you and the perfect words to explain the depth of the gratitude I feel for you. I was in two minds about whether or not I should publish such a personal letter, but I was impetuously reminded last night that the time we have on this planet is sadly limited, and I knew then that I would certainly regret not publicizing the depth of a friendship you and I share and how you saved me - and would undoubtedly save others on your awe-inspiring journey.
I carry always, a suitcase packed with memories, a guitar on my back and a photo in the pocket of my heart. Memories of junctures I hold dear to my soul. A guitar to strum the melody of life. A photo - a frozen moment of a spectacular woman that shaped my life, and that constantly inspires me to be better.
Although we have certainly had our differences, no amount of time, distance or difference has driven a wedge between our ever entwined souls. My past, my present and my future, have, are and will be made richer because of your astonishing presence.
When my time of need arises, I have you to thank for easing my soul. You shine light on a dark crevice in my mind. My demons are laid to rest because your presence is so vehement. I live each day knowing that I will walk an inspiring, ever-changing journey with you by my side.
In life it is so very rare to find a connection like the bond you and I share. Overcoming trials and tribulations, basquing in complete and utter bliss, meeting different people, learning about new cultures, healing broken hearts, entertainment during those deathly times of boredom - which I must add are few and far between. You have tattooed my life and it is this message I'd like to convey to you.
In art, as in life, we begin with a blank canvas. A vast array of options and materials lie before us and it is our choice as to which method of creative ardor we choose to move forward with. When we begin our vigorous life journey, we already have a set plan in mind. A set artistic way we've chosen to embrace and travel along with. However, it is this norm in which we find our struggle, our artistic block. Not realizing that we can change our minds, and change them again, we find ourselves stuck and praying to the divine deity to give us some inkling as to which direction we should go fourth with.
The choice has been ours all along. Our sight was blinded by unnecessary caution, caution that should ultimately be thrown to the wind. Our moral compasses will surely guide us on the right path and our inner creative fortitude will unleash the splendor of our unpredictable lives. Once we realize this, our sight, our minds, and our souls will know a true freedom. A freedom of fear of the unknown. A freedom of fear from judgement. A freedom of fear from time.
I ask of you, my dear friend, do something that brings joy to your life. Find what makes you blissfully happy, find that which gives you butterflies in your bum, find your passion for life and do everything in your power to embrace it and indulge in it. Fuck the rest! Life is too short to second guess yourself, as you and I very well know. Life is too short to spend our days sleeping it away. Our very own Bucket List awaits us. What are we waiting for? Better days? The better days are here and now. There is no better time than the present.
Pursue your happyness!
I'll be there every step of the way. I'll catch you when you fall. I'll wipe away your tears. I'll celebrate in your achievements. I'll basque in your love found. I'll be standing beside you at the alter. I'll be in the delivery room, holding your hand. I'll forever linger in your soul as you do in mine. And even in the next life, I shall paint canvases of memories I hold close to my soul. I could leave this world knowing with every fiber of my being that I had the most epic friend, sister and soul mate in you.
So I thank you from the depths of my soul. When you first allowed me a piece of your soul you saved me. We had no idea what would become a friendship that had started out so rocky, but we certainly have a suitcase stacked with memories - good and bad. Lyrics to melodies of our different yet similar lives. And photos of junctures frozen in time for a lifetime of remembrance.
Chok dee ka my friend, my sister, my soul mate. Here's to another sixteen years of firsts, lasts, heartbreak, arguing, crying, adventure and love!
 |
| Friends-Sisters-Soul Mates |
My dearest friend
I long contemplated what it was that I wanted to express to you and the perfect words to explain the depth of the gratitude I feel for you. I was in two minds about whether or not I should publish such a personal letter, but I was impetuously reminded last night that the time we have on this planet is sadly limited, and I knew then that I would certainly regret not publicizing the depth of a friendship you and I share and how you saved me - and would undoubtedly save others on your awe-inspiring journey.
I carry always, a suitcase packed with memories, a guitar on my back and a photo in the pocket of my heart. Memories of junctures I hold dear to my soul. A guitar to strum the melody of life. A photo - a frozen moment of a spectacular woman that shaped my life, and that constantly inspires me to be better.
Although we have certainly had our differences, no amount of time, distance or difference has driven a wedge between our ever entwined souls. My past, my present and my future, have, are and will be made richer because of your astonishing presence.
When my time of need arises, I have you to thank for easing my soul. You shine light on a dark crevice in my mind. My demons are laid to rest because your presence is so vehement. I live each day knowing that I will walk an inspiring, ever-changing journey with you by my side.
In life it is so very rare to find a connection like the bond you and I share. Overcoming trials and tribulations, basquing in complete and utter bliss, meeting different people, learning about new cultures, healing broken hearts, entertainment during those deathly times of boredom - which I must add are few and far between. You have tattooed my life and it is this message I'd like to convey to you.
In art, as in life, we begin with a blank canvas. A vast array of options and materials lie before us and it is our choice as to which method of creative ardor we choose to move forward with. When we begin our vigorous life journey, we already have a set plan in mind. A set artistic way we've chosen to embrace and travel along with. However, it is this norm in which we find our struggle, our artistic block. Not realizing that we can change our minds, and change them again, we find ourselves stuck and praying to the divine deity to give us some inkling as to which direction we should go fourth with.
The choice has been ours all along. Our sight was blinded by unnecessary caution, caution that should ultimately be thrown to the wind. Our moral compasses will surely guide us on the right path and our inner creative fortitude will unleash the splendor of our unpredictable lives. Once we realize this, our sight, our minds, and our souls will know a true freedom. A freedom of fear of the unknown. A freedom of fear from judgement. A freedom of fear from time.
I ask of you, my dear friend, do something that brings joy to your life. Find what makes you blissfully happy, find that which gives you butterflies in your bum, find your passion for life and do everything in your power to embrace it and indulge in it. Fuck the rest! Life is too short to second guess yourself, as you and I very well know. Life is too short to spend our days sleeping it away. Our very own Bucket List awaits us. What are we waiting for? Better days? The better days are here and now. There is no better time than the present.
Pursue your happyness!
I'll be there every step of the way. I'll catch you when you fall. I'll wipe away your tears. I'll celebrate in your achievements. I'll basque in your love found. I'll be standing beside you at the alter. I'll be in the delivery room, holding your hand. I'll forever linger in your soul as you do in mine. And even in the next life, I shall paint canvases of memories I hold close to my soul. I could leave this world knowing with every fiber of my being that I had the most epic friend, sister and soul mate in you.
So I thank you from the depths of my soul. When you first allowed me a piece of your soul you saved me. We had no idea what would become a friendship that had started out so rocky, but we certainly have a suitcase stacked with memories - good and bad. Lyrics to melodies of our different yet similar lives. And photos of junctures frozen in time for a lifetime of remembrance.
Chok dee ka my friend, my sister, my soul mate. Here's to another sixteen years of firsts, lasts, heartbreak, arguing, crying, adventure and love!
 |
| BUCKET LIST 1. Travel the World 2. Write a novel 3. Ride an Elephant 4. Be blessed by a Monk 5. Skinny dip beneath the moon 6. Get a tattoo 7. Learn a new language 8. Help change lives 9. Let off lanterns 10. Sleep under the stars And these are but a few of our 365.. I will be there every step of the way my dearest friend. Let the journey continue! |
Friday, October 18, 2013
If Only for a Juncture
If only for a juncture, I’d give my last beat to gaze into
your eyes
Feel your breath upon my skin
If only for a juncture, I’d elude all time to hear your
voice
To melt under your caress
Your beauty is unrivaled, your soul is resplendent
Your words are my undoing
All that I am, is yours irrevocably
Should I not see the day that we were to cross paths
I could let go peacefully, knowing my soul found its
counterpart in yours
That I had moments of truth
Moments of knowing that you had all of me and I had all of
you
I long to marvel at your smile
To breathe the same air as you
Though I know tonight we gaze upon the same moon
And as I close my eyes to basque in this thought, your face
appears as a portrait
The light casting shadows, causing contours of sublime tomes
which are etched into your being
To behold such a statuesque illusion is unequivocally tedious, knowing I cannot place my hand upon its splendor
I clutch my heart in agony
My lips parting slightly
Whispering to the divine deity, I heed as my words flutter
through the cosmos
Letting go of all my inhibitions in hopes they’ll lead me to
you
My eloquent knight, you are riveting
The divinity I behold when I gaze upon a frozen moment is
ardent
But the impetuous realization that we are worlds apart is
rueful
Though, never will I relinquish hope that one day soon you’ll
stand before me
I implore you dear Knight, do not dwindle off course
For our two halves were meant to be whole
And as the Phoenix rises from the ashes
So shall our ever-waiting love, once lost to an ever-changing
realm
Travelling lifetimes to once
again beat as one jubilant
entity
If only for a juncture, I’d stand before you and bare my
soul
Naked to the world, but home in you
If only for a juncture, I’d paint a thousand portraits of
you
Sitting before me, eyes smiling, no dismay, no qualm
Because all that has occurred has lead us to this point
A realization
A sudden dawning
A moment of truth
For you, my soul, my heart, my love
I am everything and nothing simultaneously
For a love like ours does not want for anything
It is not jealous, nor is it boastful
Our adoration exudes humility and grace
A truly handsome fortitude
Between two strangers that were chaperoned by a divine intervention of our souls
If only for a juncture, I would love you for a lifetime and another still
Forbidden Fruit - An End to a Beginning
A look,
An electric touch
As powerful as the heat of a thousand suns
A sensation that too scorches
Ignites a fire
A world of burning desire
A morning
An eccentric evening
As the sun bids farewell to the rising celestial crescent
A thought that too sings of valediction
Spawns a new era
A world filled with contemporary fervor
And as we walk through the valley of a new found glory
We tread along paths that have yet to share stories
Oh smile, ye of little faith
Fear not for we will win this race
Though life may be fickle, she can also be kind
A great contradiction Mother Nature is nigh
A lesson
A professor of faith
May we be the ones to ultimately create
A world that too is built on credence
In the classroom we yearn
For the power of knowledge we so wish to learn
And so 'tis the end to my fictitious fable
An unpredictable conduit to which we are disabled
Through perjury emanates the gilded truth
To which naught will be exempt from eating the fruit
Hope will hoist us into the new
For this is how it ends, albeit this is how it begins too
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Through Eyes of a Stranger
Fragments of her were scattered across a world that she had not yet discovered. She, who knew no boundaries. She, who lost herself through gateways of infinite pleasure. Broken destruction encompassed her, swallowed her into an ether of burning desire. She drowned in their love, she suffocated beneath them. Their harsh yet tender touch caressed her womb, caressed her soul - lighting a fire she so wished to smother.
The insatiable act was worldly but alas, her eyes closed and she lost herself.
"A dream, a nightmare, that's all this is," she wept silently.
She pleaded inwardly and bled at the surface. Heady were the sensations her body had come to know and betray her for. Vehement were the acts between kindred souls.
The familiar tug battered the breath from her rigid lungs, beseeching their master for release, pleading to escape from the moment it had been captured in. And as she lifted her lids, she disconnected from within. Burning embers bore into her - a desire scorching.
She could feel it. A piece of her escaping. Another piece that would be lost to an unworthy opponent.
The suffocation came slowly - the zest for life she once knew - now weighed heavy on another.
As she lay surrounded by fragments of herself, the tormented shards of her soul, the depth of her life - were ripped from her, leaving her bare. Cold, shaking, she stared at herself through another's eyes. Her bruises evident. Fractures at the seams that were once home to her passion for creativity.
This beautiful carnage wept for herself. Her once-whole heart bled for a love she'd never know. She was powerless against Mother Nature's disappointment.
Darkness fell upon the Emerald City. The Yellow Brick Road had been eradicated. This home she once knew was dilapidated now.
Life was unexpected, unpredictable. She was floating in an ocean of aberrations, no horizon in view. She floated - arms stretched out - waiting patiently. The silence was deafening. Louder and louder the silence screamed until she could bare it no longer.
Then came the inevitable moment.
Sinking into the blackness of the ocean that enveloped her. An ocean of lies, deceit, betrayal - aberrations belonging to her and her alone. Responsible for her own fate - tainting the innocence of the sea with scarlet. She could taste death at her lips - it was bittersweet. Because albeit her life was at it's final moments, she was relieved. A tsunami of images washed over - a sensation so vehement it clouded her mind and a life of torment dissipated - swallowed by the depths of a vast, hungry being.
Suddenly her mind was as clear as a daisy-filled field on the first day of Spring. Her soul felt like that of wild horses roaming free, no cares, no worries. Galloping on to new horizons, new adventures.
The Emerald City awoke from it's slumber, the Yellow Brick Road mended and now paved with hope. A dream, undeserved, but pursued with gratitude and fervor.
A second chance had been gifted to the wounded soul.
The insatiable act was worldly but alas, her eyes closed and she lost herself.
"A dream, a nightmare, that's all this is," she wept silently.
She pleaded inwardly and bled at the surface. Heady were the sensations her body had come to know and betray her for. Vehement were the acts between kindred souls.
The familiar tug battered the breath from her rigid lungs, beseeching their master for release, pleading to escape from the moment it had been captured in. And as she lifted her lids, she disconnected from within. Burning embers bore into her - a desire scorching.
She could feel it. A piece of her escaping. Another piece that would be lost to an unworthy opponent.
The suffocation came slowly - the zest for life she once knew - now weighed heavy on another.
As she lay surrounded by fragments of herself, the tormented shards of her soul, the depth of her life - were ripped from her, leaving her bare. Cold, shaking, she stared at herself through another's eyes. Her bruises evident. Fractures at the seams that were once home to her passion for creativity.
This beautiful carnage wept for herself. Her once-whole heart bled for a love she'd never know. She was powerless against Mother Nature's disappointment.
Darkness fell upon the Emerald City. The Yellow Brick Road had been eradicated. This home she once knew was dilapidated now.
Life was unexpected, unpredictable. She was floating in an ocean of aberrations, no horizon in view. She floated - arms stretched out - waiting patiently. The silence was deafening. Louder and louder the silence screamed until she could bare it no longer.
Then came the inevitable moment.
Sinking into the blackness of the ocean that enveloped her. An ocean of lies, deceit, betrayal - aberrations belonging to her and her alone. Responsible for her own fate - tainting the innocence of the sea with scarlet. She could taste death at her lips - it was bittersweet. Because albeit her life was at it's final moments, she was relieved. A tsunami of images washed over - a sensation so vehement it clouded her mind and a life of torment dissipated - swallowed by the depths of a vast, hungry being.
Suddenly her mind was as clear as a daisy-filled field on the first day of Spring. Her soul felt like that of wild horses roaming free, no cares, no worries. Galloping on to new horizons, new adventures.
The Emerald City awoke from it's slumber, the Yellow Brick Road mended and now paved with hope. A dream, undeserved, but pursued with gratitude and fervor.
A second chance had been gifted to the wounded soul.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Riding with the Moon
I long for a fairytale love
I long for a Knight on a white steed
The facade I wear is cracking
And I cannot pretend any longer
I cannot blink away tears of a faltering hope
I am young, I am old
Time is but a luxury that cannot be wasted
On a search that may possibly destroy dreams
Dreams of a scared little girl
My dreams
Blue orficases lurk in the distance
An out-stretched hand I glimpse is out of reach
I scream
But the silence is deafening
The voice that would have been is not heard
The song has now come to end
And so I fall on my knees
My tear-stained face turned upward
Toward the night sky
My hands clasped toegther
Against a withering organ
The celestial sphere above, twinkles
Yet I can see the tiny flames slowly flicker and fade
Like the hope I had for a love that remains unknown
I pray
Angels lead me to my knight
Lead me to where my heart belongs
I'm suffocating
My soul is on fire
Though I fear the flame, will too, flicker and fade
Then all that I am, will die beneath the night sky
While my knight stands just out of reach
On my knees
Hands clenched
Praying for a miracle
I dream to put my arms around my beloved knight
And I hope to do no wrong unto him
Instead, fill him with the love reserved for he who makes me whole
My love
Answer my plea
So we, two halves, can be whole
So that life may begin
And on my knees, I'm frozen
Jaded by an unyielding search
Dampened by relentless tears
Transfixed by the sapphires
That search my face
Worry etched into irises
Come to me
Come to me Knight
Darkness closes in, enveloping me
Green blades, damp with dew against my cheek
I breathe Mother Nature
I breathe
I pray
Angels lead me to my Knight
Lead me to where my heart belongs
And as the last tear soaks into the soil
So my lids grow heavy
Consciousness fades into unconsciousness
Dwelling between reality and fantasy
His hand touches mine
The sensation ardent, so vehement
I take with me the solitude of the moment
Enraptured by the feeling of my skin beneath his touch
I feel his lips at my ear
His luscious words my undoing
"Wait for me my love. Do not give up"
Though the morning light blinds me
My eyes are open for the first time
A new morning
Blessed with a new day
I grasp the gift of life with both hands
Cherishing it
My heart is filled with love
As I await my Knight
My Knight that rides with the moon
And sings the morning song of the early bird
I wait
I wait
I am happy
For the love I have will be vehemently encompassed by a worthy opponent
And my mind will be challenged by the eloquent Knight
In search of his light
In search of his half
To once again be whole
To once again be whole
I long for a Knight on a white steed
The facade I wear is cracking
And I cannot pretend any longer
I cannot blink away tears of a faltering hope
I am young, I am old
Time is but a luxury that cannot be wasted
On a search that may possibly destroy dreams
Dreams of a scared little girl
My dreams
Blue orficases lurk in the distance
An out-stretched hand I glimpse is out of reach
I scream
But the silence is deafening
The voice that would have been is not heard
The song has now come to end
And so I fall on my knees
My tear-stained face turned upward
Toward the night sky
My hands clasped toegther
Against a withering organ
The celestial sphere above, twinkles
Yet I can see the tiny flames slowly flicker and fade
Like the hope I had for a love that remains unknown
I pray
Angels lead me to my knight
Lead me to where my heart belongs
I'm suffocating
My soul is on fire
Though I fear the flame, will too, flicker and fade
Then all that I am, will die beneath the night sky
While my knight stands just out of reach
On my knees
Hands clenched
Praying for a miracle
I dream to put my arms around my beloved knight
And I hope to do no wrong unto him
Instead, fill him with the love reserved for he who makes me whole
My love
Answer my plea
So we, two halves, can be whole
So that life may begin
And on my knees, I'm frozen
Jaded by an unyielding search
Dampened by relentless tears
Transfixed by the sapphires
That search my face
Worry etched into irises
Come to me
Come to me Knight
Darkness closes in, enveloping me
Green blades, damp with dew against my cheek
I breathe Mother Nature
I breathe
I pray
Angels lead me to my Knight
Lead me to where my heart belongs
And as the last tear soaks into the soil
So my lids grow heavy
Consciousness fades into unconsciousness
Dwelling between reality and fantasy
His hand touches mine
The sensation ardent, so vehement
I take with me the solitude of the moment
Enraptured by the feeling of my skin beneath his touch
I feel his lips at my ear
His luscious words my undoing
"Wait for me my love. Do not give up"
Though the morning light blinds me
My eyes are open for the first time
A new morning
Blessed with a new day
I grasp the gift of life with both hands
Cherishing it
My heart is filled with love
As I await my Knight
My Knight that rides with the moon
And sings the morning song of the early bird
I wait
I wait
I am happy
For the love I have will be vehemently encompassed by a worthy opponent
And my mind will be challenged by the eloquent Knight
In search of his light
In search of his half
To once again be whole
To once again be whole
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Abstract Pain
The ear-shattering silence that envelopes me is unbearableI find myself weeping for a loss I know not of
Past moments flicker by like lightening during the sunrise
As I reminisce of a time I no longer bethink
The Sensations that encompass my trembling body are nonsensical
Though I comprehend them all too well
A rhythmic pounding begins in my chest
Playing a familiar, lonesome symphony
And as the darkness writhes in
And the silence becomes deafening once more
I hum a new tune,
Unfamiliar to my ear
The realization has now set in
All feeling subsides
Numbness spreads throughout my tender frame
My head bowing to an abstract pain
I sit in the corner of a circular room
Encased by darkness
Shedding light on a lone inky tear that falls to my pale knee
Huddled against my chest
In hopes of binding together the ever-splintering organ that was my heart
And I sing a melody that has no words, no tune
I sing out loud, adding to the silence.
My nails scratch against a wall that isn't there
Leaving behind etches in the troublesome sphere
For the longest juncture of a short time
I remember
I dwell on memories that are not my own
Memories that play merrily in the dark abyss of my insane mind
And although sanity prevails, insanity wins
I am forever a contradiction unto myself
Two minds alike
Two souls entwined
Within one vessel
Inside my mind
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)